Friend: What is wrong with you lately? I mean there wasn't even a good 5 minutes of footage demonstrating that you normally have a cheery personality. You've been weird since the opening shot of this film.
Casey: OMG it turns out I was a twin. So was my grandmother, who I just found out is a survivor of Auschwitz, where her brother became evil and possessed due to Nazi experimentation.
Friend: ....
Casey: and now the dybbuk that possessed him and tried to possess my twin fetus-brother has a taste for my family's blood and wants to kill me.
Friend: wait, what?
Casey: You have to stay away from me. It's totally not safe.
Friend: Casey, this sort of sounds like a way of talking about survivor's guilt.
Casey: Stay away! The dybbuk comes for your family and your friends! It will kill everyone I love because it wants me!
Friend: That sort of sounds like you're talking about the SS.
Casey: No you don't understand. This is why my mom killed herself.
Friend: You know, the children of Holocaust survivors have a really difficult time coping; often they show symptoms of psychological strain similar to PTSD.
Casey: We are NOT CRAZY. I need to find a rabbi to perform an exorcism.
Rabbi: An exorcism? That sounds sort of crazy and catholic.
Casey: No. This plot is totally Jewish. See how I wear a star of David to protect me? When I touch it to the skin of someone possessed by the dybbuk it burns, just like a cross on a vampire.
Rabbi: You're so right! This text your grandmother gave you is totally in Hebrew. Because it is Hebrew, and I am a rabbi, I can read it. I know just the priest who can help us.
Priest: I can help you.
Casey: Are you sure this will be legitimately Jewish? I really don't want a Christian exorcism.
Priest: No totally. The way I do it is...really...Jewish....
Rabbi: Yes. Totally Jewish.
[10 minutes of traumatic exorcism footage]
Rabbi: I cannot fucking believe you were actually possessed. No one saw that coming.
Casey: Thank you for helping me! Can I come to temple on Friday?
Rabbi: Absolutely not. Never.
[epilogue]
Doctor: Congratulations Casey!! It's twins!!!
Casey: Congratulations? Are you kidding me? I'm like 17. I still live at home.
[photo: ... אבינו שבשמים, יתקדש שמך, תבוא מלכותך ייעשה רצונך כאשר בשמים גם בארץ]
4 comments:
You are 100% spot on.
Can I add "Thoughts of a viewer during the first 15 minutes of the movie"?
Is that Megan Fox? No, that's not Megan Fox. But, it really looks like Megan Fox! I know it's not Megan Fox, but I'm going to look it up on IMDB anyway. Oh okay, it's not Megan Fox. It's some girl I've never heard of... But is it Megan Fox? It looks like Megan Fox. Okay fine, it's not Megan Fox. But it might still be Megan Fox.
the only thing I'd like to add, which you've heard me say before, is this. Is there any name less scary sounding than "Jumby"??
p.s. I think I'm the last person on earth to have basically no awareness of Megan Fox. I guess it's possible that her making out (awkwardly!) with Amanda Seyfried might change all that. Maybe.
It depends on when you found out about Megan Fox, but I had no idea of her existence till io9 started blogging Jennifer's Body.
We all should have just gone to see Jennifer's Body.
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