Buried

All I have to say about this movie--and it is high praise--is this: I watched it all the way to the end. I really didn't think that would happen. I expected one of two things: 1. there would be some parts that were not just me and Ryan Reynolds, trapped in a tiny box. You know, a flashback or something. Or 2. I would fall asleep before the end. I didn't fall asleep. And (spoiler alert) he is never not in that box.

mystery movie chat

I just came across this chat from April of 2009. 
 
Why does Kristin think Simon Pegg is in love with Tom Cruise? I also believe that now, but only since hearing him on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me recently. 

More important: WHAT MOVIE WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?
   11:11 AM Kristin: SERIOUSLY? he's dateable because his dad wrote a book of philosophy

 me: plus, Einstein - live for other people or whatever?

11:12 AM Kristin: yeah, cause there's no one else to quote if you study philosophy

11:13 AM also, do novelists only come from small towns in the midwest??

11:14 AM because that makes me a sweet girl and brilliant writer who's simply the victim of big city circumstance!

 me: I don't know.

  She didn't like publish her novel though, right?

 Kristin: i don't know i'm still mid movie

  well, towards the end

11:15 AM me: I love how in the movies people are always like "I'm working for a little literary magazine." like it's not glamorous but it pays the bills. Like jobs at little literary magazines are basically the same as jobs at McDonald's.

 Kristin: i know.

  what a crapfest.

11:17 AM me: he's not even cute or funny

  there was exactly one place in the whole movie where I smiled in response to something that happened

 Kristin: mostly i gape at how horrible

11:18 AM me: yeah I was just slightly angry most of the time I was watching

11:19 AM Kristin: oh. she's so michigan.

 me: but I'm usually slightly angry

  did she point to her hand?

 Kristin: ?

 me: you know, to say where she was from

  wait, is she from port huron?

  that's where Kelly is from

  or is she from another port

11:20 AM Kristin: oh! no not yet

 me: no, I don't think she does that

 Kristin: yes huron

 me: that was just the only thing I could think of that michigan people do

 Kristin: they're also sort of quiet. understanted. kind.

 me: oh,

 Kristin: you know. it comes from being so rural.

 me: like eminim

11:21 AM Kristin: yes! or people from detroit.

 me: kid rock

  ted nugent

  I get it

  good people

 Kristin: bruce...campbell...

  shit i know no one from michigan.

  famous i mean.

11:22 AM me: madonna

 Kristin: really???

 me: just think of wholesome people

 Kristin: do we really believe stars behave this way?

 Kristin: naked all the time?

who is the actress we're told is his mother?

 me: no idea

  is she a real actress?

 Kristin: no i assume made up.

  i mean, an actress in life, but i assume the movies are fake?

11:26 AM 

11:31 AM and seriously, does this girl only love one movie?

  ah nice, the scene where he rides the woman. appropriate.

11:32 AM wow in all of new york there's about 20 people at this screening

11:33 AM oh! in order to kiss her he flippantly tosses her novel aside!

  immediate engagement ring!

11:34 AM wait. the comedic ending is that he burned her novel?

 me: hilarious

 Kristin: well she doesn't need it. now she has a man who certainly she can find at the bars.

 me: and she's like "oops!"

  doesn't she look like she's worried about him getting hurt?

  not shocked that her life's work is destroyed?

 Kristin: yes. yes she does.

 me: although, she's probably spent a lot of time preparing herself emotionally for that eventuality

11:35 AM Kristin: true

 me: since she's writing her novel longhand in a tiny book she carries around in her purse

 Kristin: it's a short story really

  just enough to bide the time till she meets someone

 me: I love her writing process

11:36 AM "Well, my boyfriend isn't here yet, I guess I'll write my novel for a while while I'm waiting for him at the bar."

11:37 AM Kristin: "sigh. hes not going to make it. that's enough writing tonight."

 me: I mean, we're not supposed to believe that she uses that notebook to jot down thoughts about her novel

  we're to believe that that IS her novel

 

 Kristin: right

  it's the unrevised original full length novel

11:38 AM several pages of which are gone from wine

  maybe the alcohol explains why it went up in flames so quickly. why didn't her friends intervene?

11:39 AM me: maybe they were too shocked

  by the blocking the view

 Kristin: ugh that bothered me.

 me: the fact that she was just like "oh this shithead is here, I guess I'll kiss him on the mouth"

 Kristin: "yes! he's datable now that he's a total loser again."

11:40 AM i mean honestly, are we supposed to believe assholes are great guys because the only other option is sell out?

 me: I hate it when epiphanies have no evidence to support them in movies

 Kristin: how OLD are we/

 me: I feel like you should always include in the formula a period of weeks or months in which he actually redeems himself

  between the moment of realization and the culminating kiss/engagement/burning of novel

11:41 AM I feel like we could write a better script, even though we are so boring

 Kristin: i will make a movie where a total asshole wants to get the girl and is thwarted by her successful dickish boyfriend. in the end both men will be left with only the other, and the realization that they are two sides to the exact same personality.

 me: I don't object to formula

 Kristin: i don't either!

11:42 AM formula is fun! hence magnetic fields!

 me: can the two men then realize that they hate women so much they can only have sex with each other

 Kristin: y.e.s.

  can the successful man be played by tom cruise? i now believe that simon peg is in fact desperately in love with tom cruise.

11:43 AM me: i want you to also watch ghost town now

 Kristin: i rented hound dog and just buried

  michael and i will watch one at 6:30 if you care ot join us.

 me: a movie in which the woman chooses the putzy twit instead of very good looking human rights lawyer

  like he's good in every way

  but she picks Ricky Gervais because...

11:44 AM I think it's because he made a funny semi-racist joke

 Kristin: of course! he's irreverent.

  fucking sellouts.

 me: the premise of the joke was the chinese names often sound like slang english terms for penises

  oh ho ho ho

 Kristin: with their cultural understanding.

 me: long wang dong!

11:45 AM ha ha ha !!!!

  I don't want to see Hound Dog

  I didn't know I didn't want to see it until I saw how many copies they have at Top Ten

11:46 AM Kristin: i have rented one of those copies

 me: that's the dakota fanning rape movie, right?

 Kristin: yes

 me: you're not wrong to do so

  I'm the irrational one

 Kristin: it appears to be a movie in which a white girl teaches a black man about the blues.

  should be great.  

Is it possible James Franco has competition?

Also: Go Hoosiers.

On Netflix, and on not being the person you wish you were when you created your queue

Almost two years ago I blogged about first setting up my Netflix account. I was so thrilled to have access to movies I couldn't find at any local video store. At 10:15 Sept 17, 2009 my Netflix queue was:

Rudo i Cursi
An American Werewolf in London
Chandni Chowk to China
O'Horten
The Class
Good Dick
Departures
Guest of Cindy Sherman
Herb and Dorothy
Pray the Devil Back to Hell
Soul Power
Tokyo Sonata
The Garden
Eden Log
Frontrunners
Shiver
Splinter
a *lot* of Doctor Who

I have struck out the movies I have actually watched in the ensuing two years. You know what I did with the rest of my time?

Law and Order: SVU.

The trashiest of all Law and Orders.

An old friend recently posted something online about watching a movie called Broken, which he identified as one of the most disturbing things he's seen in a long time. I spent the next few minutes searching around for information about it, and discovered that it has some pretty spectacular reviews on Amazon. Below are some of my favorites excerpts:

Some annoying whimpering that we could've done without. The kidnapper was a cross between Crocodile Dundee and Indiana Jones dress wise. Personality wise, he was just dull dull dull. I dunno, man.

The only thing that made this movie upsetting was finding out it's based on truth.*  

We basically know nothing at all. Including who he is, why he tortures people, why he chose Hope, how he captured her, what the point of sewing a razor into her stomach was, and why the hell he insists on wearing this ugly hat. It really isn't menacing at all. [see photo.]

i really like the sustained undercurrent of evil tension and fear throughout the entire movie. perhaps it is the fact that the bad guy has moments of "could you call it" appreciation for his victims...  

A woman wakes up trapped in a wooden box. Not sure how she got there, she's just there. Man, talk about freaky!

Yes, it makes SAW look like HEEHAW. The harsh bloody events grate on your mind and turn your soul into shredded cheese. Brooootal.

BROKEN STARTS OFF LIKE IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE. THIS MOVIE IS STRANGE.  

I've watched a depressing number of movies today that have scenes which can only be called unapologetic filler.

Okay, so maybe the guy wasn't all snips and snails and puppy dog tails...**

Lots of screaming in some parts, which may be seen as irritating.

The best part of the movie was the haunting music from Mortiis. It added the only element of emotion.

Extreme and Demented! Just the Way I Like Them. By now you must believe that I'm demented or something. Good assumption. I work at it...by watching such horrific films as "BROKEN".

A hackneyed attempt to duplicate the gore in saw without any of the plot line.***

*I could find no confirmation of this anywhere, and based on the plot outlines I don't see how any of it could be confirmed.

**Isn't he? Isn't that poem all about how little girls are edible and little boys are dismembering cannibals? Let's check: "sugar and spice and everything nice" vs. "snips and snails and puppy dog tails." You decide.

***This viewer longs for the intricate plot development of the saw movies. LOOK ON YOUR WORKS, HOLLYWOOD, AND DESPAIR.

[photo: I agree the hat is not menacing. It is possible the hat is more prominently featured in the film than in the grainy trailer I found, from which this screenshot is taken.]