Twilight - Kristin's Review

Though it pains me to write this, the time has come (why was I not prepared?) for Angel to step down. I never thought I would say this, but yes, Joss Whedeon's "billowly coated king of pain" has absolutely been out-brooded. Where Angel peers mournfully from beneath his inhuman brow, Edward forces a vicious seethe from an impossible brow *and* chin. Where Angel's dialogue breaks off dramatically to highlight his unspeakable sadness, Twilight's characters stammer and choke, forcing themselves through dialogue so broken and unthinkable no one can bear to complete a sentence. It's like Mamet, but with one-way angst in place of meandering pretension. The critic who called Edward's character "overly Byronic" is to be recognized for what must be the understatement of the century. Never before have I seen a monster stand in the sun and demand that his love look upon his loathsomeness only to twinkle and glisten so fabulously in the light. Traditionally, vampire narratives explore a beast with two natures--a thin veneer of irresistible beauty that barely stretches to conceal the unhinged monster beneath. The audience is almost always treated to a moment in which the film or novel indulgently pulls back the curtain, showing the viewer what fine clothing and exotic pretense are cultivated to conceal. Not so with Twilight. Each step we take into the Cullen's world reveals them to be more lovely than we previously thought. Their life is the ultimate civilization of the beast, and thus at every stage a more noble enterprise. By contrast Jacob, the only character who exhibits any actual kindness or thoughtfulness, appears increasingly animalistic the more he steps up to be Edward's only rival. In the end, I predict a battle between dick hipster city kids (their clothes so colorless, their hair so finely gelled) and the earthy hyper-spiritualized Native Americans (in every scene accessorized with dreamcatchers and airbrushed wolf imagery). The film will insist the battle is epic, and no doubt Edward will yet again (perhaps many times) stand over Bella's beaten body and rage about how her injuries hurt him more, that he'd have spared her exposure to this world out of love, but well, you know how he gets when he smells her. Bella will cling to Edward with an attachment that is more accurately desperation, and theirs will be a love for the ages, torn directly from the pages of a handbook on how to identify an abusive partner. Ultimately, Twilight is very much like the Cullen family--I know it will be my undoing, but I enjoy it. I know it's monstrous to look upon, but I cannot tear myself away. For the rest of these movies I'll be sitting near the front, demanding more angst, more melodrama, possibly a mix tape. [Photo: Excuse me, I believe you dropped your thinly-veiled metaphor.]

Note: a *lot* of the experience of watching this movie is an excruciating exercise in trying to figure out where you've seen all these actors before. If you want to save yourself the pain, imdb it beforehand. A large number of them have never been in anything I've heard of, so I suspect they're simply bred to look familiar. B list celebrity spotting is fun though, and there are some pleasant surprises (NINA MYERS, WILL YOU NOT DIE?!).